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> The Order [Update 2/5/08]
Kurinshin
Posted: 20 January 2008, 02:13 PM


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It's a story that I've started, and I'd like to share the first couple of chapters, just to see what people think. :]


First Chapter:


I'll post a section of chapter two in a few days if people want me to. :\


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My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Zyniker
Posted: 21 January 2008, 06:38 AM


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A sound selection of words in addition to an excellent use of grammar, the imagery is awesome and the story thus far has lots of potential. Great job, I'm relatively interested as to where you take the story, please post more.

For some reason the beginning of the story has me thinking of Fable (The game)...


This post has been edited by nb194 on 21 January 2008, 07:07 AM


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Set made by IBF ||| "People are crazy and times are strange, I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range,
I used to care, but things have changed..."
 
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Kurinshin
Posted: 21 January 2008, 12:08 PM


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Thanks man! I'll probably post a section of chapter two later today or tomorrow! Thanks for the comment. ^^

As for the Fable thing, I actually got a lot of inspiration from some atmospheric games... Fable being one of them, as well as Morrowind and Oblivion. xD


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user posted image<3memoryblade
Like to make graphic art? Go participate in KAF's SOTW

My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Sagara Sanosuke
Posted: 21 January 2008, 02:59 PM


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Haha funny you say that, I can see that Morrorwind and Fable are inspirations. XD Other than that this is great, you better update today. You better D<


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Thank you IBF for the Siggy. <3

Siggy I made, comment and critique please <3
 
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Kurinshin
Posted: 22 January 2008, 04:12 AM


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D: okay, here's a part of chapter two:



:3


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user posted image<3memoryblade
Like to make graphic art? Go participate in KAF's SOTW

My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Sagara Sanosuke
Posted: 22 January 2008, 06:43 AM


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Ah I like this. Very well written. Keep up the great work Kurin. 8D


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Thank you IBF for the Siggy. <3

Siggy I made, comment and critique please <3
 
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Kurinshin
Posted: 22 January 2008, 11:34 AM


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Thanks Sano! :3


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Like to make graphic art? Go participate in KAF's SOTW

My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Sagara Sanosuke
Posted: 22 January 2008, 11:37 AM


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You're welcome 8DDD

xDDD


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Thank you IBF for the Siggy. <3

Siggy I made, comment and critique please <3
 
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Zyniker
Posted: 24 January 2008, 04:14 AM


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After rereading both chapters I did find a few grammatical errors, however these discrepancies hardly take away from the overall story. I still find this a sound piece of literature; my only criticism is the lack of description towards the end of the first chapter and parts of chapter 2. For instance what do the guards look like? When they get off the wagon is it a blistering hot day? Does the sun blind their eyes? Little details like these can make your story that much better. However if this is just some miscellaneous story for fun, forget what I’ve said. Great Job, keep it coming.


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Set made by IBF ||| "People are crazy and times are strange, I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range,
I used to care, but things have changed..."
 
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Kurinshin
Posted: 24 January 2008, 11:41 AM


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Thanks for the comment nb, right now, this is pretty much a rough draft... I'll edit eventually, but I need all the crit I can get my hands on, so keep it coming!

In the mean time, here's another small part of ch. 2:


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user posted image<3memoryblade
Like to make graphic art? Go participate in KAF's SOTW

My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Sagara Sanosuke
Posted: 29 January 2008, 07:09 PM


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WOOTzORz.
Very nice very nice. Is this a long chapter? XDDD
Keep up the good work D<
That's THE ORDER Lolz


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Thank you IBF for the Siggy. <3

Siggy I made, comment and critique please <3
 
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Zyniker
Posted: 5 February 2008, 05:36 AM


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More....


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Set made by IBF ||| "People are crazy and times are strange, I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range,
I used to care, but things have changed..."
 
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Kurinshin
Posted: 5 February 2008, 04:33 PM


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Alright, seeing as how a few people want more, here's the next part of chapter 2:




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Like to make graphic art? Go participate in KAF's SOTW

My story: The Order Updated 2/5/08
 
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Sagara Sanosuke
Posted: 11 February 2008, 12:05 PM


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OMG that is teh win. you're good. Keep it up. 8D

And nice cliffhanger. xD


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user posted image
Thank you IBF for the Siggy. <3

Siggy I made, comment and critique please <3
 
[QUOTE] [^]
Zyniker
Posted: 29 February 2008, 06:12 AM


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I apologize for the extremely late reply, especially after I insisted that you post more.

Anyway I don't really have much criticism for you. Overall your last chapter 'and a bit' were very good, keep it coming. Your diction also appears to be improving. Bravo.

By the way, don't fret over your story's lack of commentary. Most of our... newer members, as I'm sure you're aware lack the attention span to read more then a paragraph.


This post has been edited by Zyniker on 29 February 2008, 07:08 AM


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user posted image
Set made by IBF ||| "People are crazy and times are strange, I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range,
I used to care, but things have changed..."
 
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